The Truth about Joe the Plumber

October 24 2008

By DemonKitty

[ Fiction : Humour/Short Stories/Current Affairs/ ]

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Okay, I figured it was about time to set the record straight. This wasn´t no accident. You wanna know who was behind this? Hey, it cracks me up that no-one guessed it. One day I get a call. I figure it´s a plumbing job. Cos that´s what I do, right? So I haven´t got that darn little licence, who needs a bit of paper? Anyway, when the caller says she´s Hillary Clinton, I thought, yeah sure, okay crazy lady, and play along with it for a while. But then she tells me to look outside, and there were big black sedans, and all these Secret Service guys, like on the TV, ya know? And she steps out, and that killer stare, man I knew it was the real deal.

So she explains that what she wants to do is make Obama and McCain look stupid, because nobody gets in HER way, and she needs some ´Ordinary Joe´ to set them up, so they look bad, have to pull out, and she can step in and win. I thought, man, it´s about time we had a chick in the White House. And this Hillary is way better looking than the other guys. She´ll sure look good on TV. Anyway, we all know that women can´t fix things. Plus I figured that the White House must sure have a lot of plumbing. I read that they have 35 bathrooms, and thought wow, they need me. Hillary´s cool, she doesn´t care about that little problem with the licence. Anyway, she may not know about plumbing, but if there´s one thing that lady does know how to fix, it´s trouble with the law, so I said hey, if you can sort out the tax thing, I´m in!

Thing is, it didn´t quite work out the way she wanted it. Those two guys are still in the running. So she called me and man, I could feel that fury reaching all the way to Ohio. ´WurzelBACHER´, she spat, ´you sure made a mess of this. I had my foot in the door of the White House, and you slammed it on my foot. And Hillary Rodham Clinton never forgets someone who does her a bad turn´. Thing is, Hill, I said, holding the phone well away, cos that lady has a voice that could scare that Bin Laden guy out of his cave when she´s mad, I got offered a better deal. You can´t blame a guy for looking out for himself. I was thinking, hey what if I really did have that $250,000 company? Wouldn´t that be cool? I could drive around with ´Joe the Plumber´ on my vans, and everyone will want to get their drains fixed by the most famous plumber in Ohio. Wow, what a dream …

Then that Oprah Winfrey called me, and man, she could tempt Jesus himself. With what she had to offer, I just couldn´t say no. I get a whole show devoted to me, plus a book deal, and she said ‘Joe, when I go on my show and mention a book, the whole of America buys it. You´ll sell millions. But you have to say everything in the book, and I mean EVERYTHING, you can´t miss a thing out´. And I figured that business wasn´t so far away after all. Hey, I could have a whole fleet of ´Joe the Plumber´ vans! Every kid will want his own ´Joe the Plumber´ toy car. I could sell official merchandise, man I´ll not only be rich, I´ll be famous! Cos everyone likes to laugh at politicians, right? And those guys look real dumb, even if it didn´t quite work out the way Ms Clinton wanted it. So I said, sorry lady, you´ll have to find another way into the White House. I´m gonna be on Oprah! And I hung up on her. I figured, what´s she gonna do? Women like to shout but it don´t mean nothing, she´ll probable take it out on Bil …..

**Editor´s note** This bloodstained manuscript was found in a garbage can in Toledo, near Joe´s residence. Its authenticity is as yet unconfirmed.

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