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I am pondering the meaning of so many things in life at this moment. What is the purpose of trying to struggle for survival? All the things that I have been through, all the heart ache and pain. All the while trying to follow God to the best of my abilities, yet I still find myself struggling. I have always wanted to help at least one person out and to help out others who have been through what I have been and it does not seem to be the case at all. I do find myself questioning where am I? I thought that I could tell my story and it would help others to find hope and happiness. I thought that all the darkness I encountered and endured would actually have brought out the good in those I met, yet it does not seem like that is the case at all. I don't think that I am special at all, after all, I only know what it is like to have gone through all of the stuff that I have. I know heart ache, I know loneliness, I know having all of your family, parents, aunts, uncles and brothers, one of which is your twin, to disown you and they are still alive. I know what it is like to be trapped in darkness and not know how to escape, I know what it is liked to say NO and still be raped. I know what it is like to say the wrong things and be sent from foster home to foster home. I know what it is like to have your dad hold a gun at his head in front of you, I know what it is like to have everyone laugh at you. I know what it is like to spend time hospitalized because you don't want to live anymore. I know what is it like when you cry and no one is there to comfort you. I know what it is like to long for people to care about you and to lose them to death. I know what it is like to pour your heart and soul out to someone and have them go tell all of your secrets to others. The sad thing is I learned all of this by the time I was 26. I know what it is like to have dreams unattainable because you are poor. I know what it is like to not have your dreams met at all and to just be sitting as a joke, where no one taught you anything and you are struggling to learn the right way to survive. I know what is like to be sad and struggling. I do wonder where I am. I do wonder why people do things just for fame and fortune. I wonder why people want everything that they can't have and why they do whatever to better their lives leaving so many people behind. Where am I?
I know that I am here on earth, I know that I am sitting in a room typing, crying, silently begging for comfort. I know that I am surrounded by people who now love me and that was a life time of prayer to come to. I know that I am in the midst of heartache and loneliness and I know that my story will most likely never be heard and never really help anyone. I do know that the only thing here that matters, is that I try to live for God and continue to allow him to comfort me. I know that someday I will be in his presence and all of this will be worth while. I know that He can and will heal me. I know that I am here and I know where I am.
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Comments from Our Readers
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"Your despair is palpable and profound. Most of us feel lonely and lost sometimes. Your writing reminds us we are not alone." - Stan, March 7 2009 - reply |
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