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It was a warm night of May and I was hell tired after going through a 6 hour photo shoot; I needed a good night sleep. But out of nowhere Josh (my cute baby faced boyfriend) turned up at my door and told me to get ready for an overnight night celeb party he was about to take me to.
"You'll have your eyes wide open with excitement", he said. Since the next day was Saturday so I decided to give it a go. I decided to take a shower because I didn’t want the guests to pass out after smelling me (I had forgotten to use the deodorant in the morning that day). Josh, let me rephrase, ‘My Josh’ who happened to be a very obedient boyfriend had just finished ironing my clothes. Since it was a celeb party I decided to wear a groovy black dress in order to blend into the self proclaimed aristocratic, and elite crowd.
Little did I know what lay ahead and what level of high society would be waiting for me. Although, Josh was a perfect guy any girl could have, he had some really disturbing things about him. Well, for starters he was an absolute spend thrift but the only best thing he did in his life was he had saved up and bought a car; not just any car, he had bought the one and only, The PORCHE BOXTER. Anyways I got ready and I was looking pretty impressive and as for Josh he was looking OK. We sat in his red Boxter and zoomed off to the Party.
The way Josh usually drives is not for the faint hearted especially when one has a 3.4L engine on four wheels under his butt (please excuse my French). I just hoped we reached the party alive but I thought to myself that even if I die, I’ll die beautiful i.e. if we don’t skid off the free way and get whacked by a truck. We drove like hell and finally after a 15 minute drive we turned up at a lovely, humongous, classy, out of this world (Oh my Goodness I’ve run out of adjectives) mansion at Mulholland Estates. My presumption of riding in the most happening car was reduced to morsels when I saw two Porche Carreras, three Benz Roadsters, even a Lamborghini Reventon and many others of the most expensive breed standing by the streets and in the drive way.
Little did I know that cars belonging to the owner of the house usually end up falling down from cliffs or get stolen. As we parked Josh’s car on the drive way and walked towards the house I noticed couples by the swimming pool, females that were absolute beauties, wearing nothing on the top... wait a minute; "Oh my goodness!!! Josh, is this a topless party?" I asked Josh with some sort of excitement. Josh who was already spell bound by the natural attire of the females and was almost drooling with sexual hysteria mumbled, “I really don’t think so cutie…I guess they must be high or something like that..you know”. Josh too was unsure if he had taken the right turn.
Suddenly we were disturbed by a voice, “Josh, How are you? I really didn’t think you would come”, it was Mike; one of Josh’s friends. Josh replied with delight, “I wouldn’t miss this party for anything; even a free ticket to the Laker’s Game on Saturday, by the way, I think you forgot to mention that this would be a topless party”. Mike, with a nasty smile on his face replied, “Hell No! Actually Sheen, as we know him always has a thing or two up his sleeves for the guests, and by the way all those females are porn stars”.
After a 5 second period of silence, I said to myself, "Did he say Sheen... Charlie Sheen?", not realizing that Mike had extended his arm to greet me, to which I responded but after regaining consciousness, from the world’s briefest coma. We had reached the Lounge by then and as we passed through the dancing crowd I saw this Super Star of my dreams emerge from behind the crowd, Charlie Sheen, sitting on the couch, smooching on two girls (oops sorry they were blonde porn movie stars Kacey Jordan and Bree Olson) at a time with a bottle of Vodka in his hands, I said to myself, "WTF.... is this an orgy?".
Mike introduced us to Sheen and to my utter amazement he stood up and greeted us as if we were very close friends of his. He then told us to sit down on the couch on his front. He asked Josh and me to chill out and have a good time. You really have to give the guy an A grade for hospitality. Anyways Mike and Josh decided to fly-off to the minibar to get some drinks. I couldn’t believe it, the guy loved by millions sitting right in front and chatting to me; the feeling was awesome. Sheen was wearing an off white shirt which was unbuttoned, he had a cool tattoo on his chest, it read, ”Death From Above”; upon inquiring where he got it from, he told me that it was pretty old while he was doing the Hot Shots movie.
I had a lot of questions that I wanted to ask him, I knew it was impolite to ask but Charlie looked like he wouldn’t mind, so it popped out of my mouth, “Do you still do drugs?”, he looked at me and then burst out with laughter, “Yeah I do the drug Charlie Sheen, don’t try it cuz it will kill you.” Till then a guy old enough to be my grandfather came, shook hands with all of us and asked for my permission if he could sit down with me. He was a Vietnam Vet turned into an action director, and was about 55-60 years old and appeared to be a very close friend of Sheen.
After a brief chit chat, suddenly Sheen exclaimed that the ‘Happy Hour’ was about to start; we (me, Jordan, Oslan, Sheen and the Vietnam Vet a.k.a Danny) entered a room which was made with white marble and teak wood; excessively neat and clean, we all were told to sit down and form a circle. I was very excited as we started playing ‘Truth and Dare’. Sheen who had sipped the last drop of the Vodka, put the bottle in the center and spun it instantly the bottle spun and spun and then stopped; pointing towards Jordan. Sheen decided to give her a dare, “OK Jordan, that white top doesn’t suit you well, take it off and give Grandpa (he meant Danny a taste of them”.
Jordan with a burst of laughter, took off the white top and was standing partially naked in front of us. I could see the smile and excitement on Danny’s face, in his age he would be lucky even if he got the chance to read the title of an XXX movie. Jordan put her right breast in Grandpa’s mouth. Gosh!!! It was so gross. I really didn’t feel nervous because I knew Charlie wouldn’t ask me to do something like that since I was a guest. With the next spin of the bottle it came my turn. Sheen was lenient to give me the option of the Truth, he asked me, “Tell me if you ever wanted to become a Lesbian”, to which I simply smiled and said ‘No’. After a few spins and fairly decent Truths and Dares we decided to go downstairs.
I saw Josh chatting with a girl and therefore grabbed him by the arm and inducted him in our troupe of five. Suddenly Sheen’s cell phone rang, with a slight frown, he picked it up and started blabbering words that I guess only he could understand, he hung up after talking for 5 minutes. “You either love or you hate but you must do so violently, and perhaps that’s why I have several ex-wives all wanting a piece of me and a lot of Jack Ass Reporters up my ass”, saying this with a brief period of seriousness, he changed back into the party animal called Charlie Sheen and took us to the pool side and asked us if we had heard of the game ‘Pool Dives’ usually played in the parties at his residence.
We knew that it must be something crazy and funny; so we inquired what it was. Now as Sheen was about to start to explain the rules when he suddenly just paused as if he had forgotten what to say, then said, “Now I look like a troll instead of Jon Cryer, see, I almost forgot my lines”, with a brief laugh he then said, ‘The rules are simple, we form teams of two (a male and a female), the males wrestle arms and the one who loses, throws his partner into the swimming pool”. “Now that’s RAD!” exclaimed Grandpa (he meant RADICAL, I never found out why he was trying to act like a 25 year old, or may be, he was trying to act a little bit different then Sheen, who often uses the word Radical in his speech).
I knew I was safe this time too, since Josh had very good forearms and was a very fit guy. The game started, Round 1, Josh vs Danny (Grandpa), they started to arm wrestle and to my amazement, oh sorry, let me repeat again, to my fucking amazement, Grandpa beat John in 20 seconds. Oh Boy! Now I was in trouble, Josh didn’t even give me the time to take a decent breath and threw me into the swimming pool. The troupe, the guests by the pool and me; we all were laughing like hell. I guess it must have been the effect of Alcohol. Anyways as the matches continued Grandpa and Sheen lost matches and thus had to throw their partners into the pool as well.
I noticed that Sheen was nowhere to be seen at the poolside after sometime so I decided to go into the house to look for him. I went upstairs and saw him sitting with three naked girls sitting on a glass dining table with a burning cigarette paper in his hand filled with tobacco and something else. I could recognize the smell from even a mile away; it was 100% marijuana. I sat there with them, Sheen looking into my eyes said, “I am proud of what I have created”. I knew he meant the drugs. Since I had tried the stuff out once in college, and had puked, so I excused when offered by Sheen to take a shot. After a few puffs, Sheen again started making out with one of the females.
Everyone had a fun filled evening. After a lot of boos and games the clock struck 4am and we all decided to hit the road. It’s a good thing that Sheen was hosting the party because if he would have been driving; we certainly would have heard about his third car found down the cliffs in the morning for sure.
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