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Close Encounters of the Celebrity Kind


by Roger Jewell (a/k/a “L.A. Roger”)

Although I am a relatively quiet guy, I’ve never been shy about meeting
celebrities. Having worked in the San Fernando Valley in California, I’ve encountered numerous celebrities while working in that locale. Many people would find the idea of meeting or dating a celebrity an exciting opportunity, however, based on my experience with celebrities, they are just like regular people when it comes to relationships. Some are nice, some are average, but some can be arrogant or even downright mean.

I’ve sent a lot of letters to celebrities trying to get dates, with little success. The likelihood for anyone getting a celebrity to even read such letters is definitely remote. My letters include correspondence to Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, Valerie Bertinelli,
Sheryl Crow, and Janet Jackson. All of them are in relatively my same age group. After a while, I decided that I was targeting celebs who were too famous to ever expect a response, so I decided to shoot a little lower.

Nevertheless, I never expected that Melanie Chartoff would reply to my letter requesting a date. Melanie is more than ten years older than I am but she has continued to be very attractive. I also like women with good senses of humor and Melanie fit that criteria to the tee. She was very popular in the 1970s and 1980s with a show called “Fridays” where she performed skits in competition with NBC’s “Saturday Night Live.” Recently, she performed voiceovers for the movie “Dr. Doolittle 3” and the cartoon series and movies “Rugrats”, 54 episodes and two movies to be exact. But Melanie’s real fame blossomed in a successful TV comedy series in which she starred as principal of a high school (although the name of the series evades me at this moment).

I won’t lie. I had a typical form letter that I sent out to celebrities although I would often offer to take the celebrity on a date to Disneyland, Magic Mountain, or to have coffee (I’m a real big spender as you can see). Well, I was surprised to receive an e-mail from Melanie stating that she normally doesn’t respond to romantic letters from people she doesn’t know, but her mother said that my letter was interesting and that she
should go ahead with correspondence. I think her mother really liked the fact that I was a former attorney.

I should have known that there would be problems when Melanie’s e-mail
indicated that she had to take legal action against an obsessed “fan” who she dated once. Further in the e-mail, she asked that I send her a letter giving her my background and biography. So I sent it to her. Having wasted a lot of time with relationships that were doomed from the start, I decided to detail my life since reaching age 18. Yup, five handwritten pages worth. I went into great detail about my tragedies, mishaps, and informing her of my four prior divorces.

My heart was broken when she didn’t reply. Not just because of being rejected for a date, but also because I was disappointed in Melanie. I bared my heart and soul and I wasn’t even told, “thank you for being so honest, but I’m not interested.” Such is life in
Hollywood, where marriages of convenience are the norm. I really thought that my being poor and having a tragic filled life wouldn’t affect Melanie’s decision to go out, but apparently I was wrong. What a putz I was. I have since ceased writing any more letters for dates with celebrities.
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