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Three Assassins

I hired three assassins one day. They were all sent to kill the same person. That same person did not exist, but the assassins sure thought that Eric D. Bloomsberg, a professor at Michigan State, existed. They bought it until they all accidentally killed each other. Assassin A killed Assassin B by gunshot, but Assassin B had slowly poisoned Assassin A. Assassin C actually just fell down the stairs into a box of skewers and could not be saved.

Why in the world would I decide to hire three assassins?

Henry Carvallis was eight years old when he won his first million. His father had let him put a quarter into the slot machine to show him that gambling never worked. And gambling worked. Little Henry Carvallis made one million dollars. He has never gambled since. He has simply invested that money in thousands of places. Now he's 42 and could buy 57 countries. But you've never heard of him, have you?

Henry is also the nicest person you will ever meet. If someone drops something, he has already picked it up for you. Or if your car has stopped on the side of the road and he finds out, prepare to have a fixed car. Or he donates 75% of all of the money he makes annually to charities.

But he's very, very shy.

Patricia Mink was adopted. She finally met her biological parents last year. They turned out to be terrible people. Patricia doesn't call them her real parents. Her real parents adopted an innocent orphan and made her who she is today. She credits them with everything and believes that genes have very little to do with who you'll turn out to be. And her real parents, not her genes, inspired her to write the bestsellers she does.

And she was born mute.

Harold Green plays a little bit of tennis, according to him. Everyone else who's ever played him a game of tennis knows that he should go to Wimbledon. People at tennis clubs have watched professional tennis and they've also watched Harold, and most of them think Harold could win. All of them think Harold could get in easily.

Harold designs creative paperweights and other office supplies. He once decided to make a paperweight that was a stack of paper. Or that stapler that looked like a crocodile. Or that mousepad that looked like a piece of ham. He found little interest in his work, but liked tennis.

Why in the world did I decide to hire three assassins?

Because if I didn't, these people would be dead.

And that's how you suspenseful.
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