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mixed emotions
October 31 2008
[ Non-fiction : Survival/ ]



clueless.....
what m i doing?
what do i want to write?
what would i like to say?
is it still bout my never ending 'saga' for happiness?
or how to let go?
or is about the pain that m feelin' right now?
pain?
is it love?
or is it happiness m feelin right now?
or it could also be contentment i guess...
kinda mixed em0tions i guess it's really natural for someone to be confused..
or i might say numb...
grrrr
i hate this!
how can it be so easy for me to say that m numb?
was i really able to accept this?
do i really feel numb?!
empty?
after all the hurts & pain that i had..
after being able to survive..
after all that ive gone through...
and i feel nothing?!
ive gone this far..
i worked my guts just to be where i am right now..
ive worked so hard for this
and i feel nothing..
i th0ught i would laugh my heart out today..
i was expecting that i can finally say that i am happy..
that i am here...
that m now where im supposed to be..
is this really where m supposed to be?
is this the way i should feel?
or is it better to ask if this is what i should be feelin' right now?
i dunno..
i feel so empty..
is this a curse?
i once prayed for God to let me feel nothing..
i was in so much pain that time..
i couldn't bear the pain
i th0ught the only way out is death..
but i had my li'l boys
they’re all that ive got
i don't wanna leave them..
i wanted to see them grow up..
i wanted to fetch them from school
i wanted to see them walk down the stage & get his diploma..
i wanted to see them waiting for their bride’s on the altar
i wanted to be with them every step of the way..
and so i did asked Him instead - to make me feel numb..
it's the only way i kn0w i could survive..
but i did survived
i did surpassed the test
that's why i am here.
but why would God grant the wish n0w?
i did survived
but i did'nt felt numb that time..
i carried the pain each day of my life..
i would cry till wee hours in the morning..
i pity myself so much that time..
i felt life was so unfair
but as ive said i can't stop
i have my li'l b0ys
i have to move
life has to go on...
i had to be strong not just because i want to but i have to..
i have to..
i have to protect them..
i have to do this for my li'l b0ys
so i did fight..
i fought like a warrior..
i fought like as if there was no tomorrow
i acted as if everything was okay
pain did turned into hatred..
these hatred became a way for me to go on each day..
ive carried the pain each day
everytime i'll feel the pain, it reminds me to move on
it reminds me of how foolish i was..
it reminds me that i have to fight & show the world that i am strong
the pain became sort of an inspiration for me to work harder each day..
i th0ught that was it..
but i guess it pr0ved me wr0ng..
i can never expect so much
coz expecting is one way of hurting yourself as they say..


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  "Interesting format. I wonder if putting this to music would work." - Stan, October 31 2008 - reply

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