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November 2 2008

By iRma

[ Non-fiction : Short Stories/Biography/Survival/ ]

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I am my Dad's favorite or more likely I claim to be his favorite. But I guess it's different nowadays. Now, that I have my own kids and both are claiming to be my Dad's favorite as well. How can I compete with that? My own flesh & blood out there to take my position. It may seem funny but it’s true.

My "lola" (grandmother) would always tell me that life is ironic. I never have given that much thought before but now I've realized it’s true. I got pregnant at the age of 19, my family was devastated about it. First, I was still studying then,I was on my 3rd year when it happened. He was my first boyfriend, I love him and luckily he loves me as well. I tried to hide my pregnancy then knowing the reaction that I would get not just from my family but to other people as well. I grew up in a conservative family, I was enrolled in a Catholic school that time plus the fact that my Dad was just promoted as Police Chief then. I can't bear the thought of putting my family in such disgrace especially my Dad. But it was too late, I'm pregnant and I can't bear to have an abortion as well. It was one of the options I can have if I would really like to but I said NO. I can't correct a mistake by another mistake.

When I think about my Dad and what his reaction would be I felt like running away & never coming back. But what am I supposed to do? I don't have a job and more likely I wouldn't get a job as well due to my condition. It was very complicated, I couldn't bear to hurt my Dad after everything that he has done for me. My Dad was an honest policeman, we basically live in his minimum salary as a government employee but my Dad was able to let us live comfortably. He has no vices, doesn't smoke nor drink. My Dad would always tell us before to be humble and to thank God for everything. He was able to send us to a reputable university though I know how hard it can be for him knowing that he really had to make both ends meet for us but Dad never said a word nor did even complained. He was just happy to see her girls happy. We didn’t grew up having all the luxury in life but my Dad would always make it a point to give us what is needed & just. I remember one time my
Dad fetched me from school, he was asking me if all my classmates has a cellular phone. I said yes and then he asked me again what kind of cellphones they we're using. I then told him what my classmate's phones were and told him that they we're all expensive. I was studying in a reputable university then and most of my classmates we're really rich. He was just listening and then the week later he fetched me from school again and told me we're going to buy a cellular phone. I was really excited knowing that I would have my own cellular phone. He then told me it would be his gift since I was accepted as one of the editor's in the school paper. I think he was really proud of me knowing that I was just a freshman then but I managed to rank 2nd place on the exams. I know he was really proud of me but I never thought that he would go that far of buying me such an expensive gadget plus the fact that he doesn't have a cellular phone of his own. But the child
that I was I never given it much thought and all I could think about is me - having my OWN cellular phone. But how could I refuse such an offer, right? My sister told me that my Mom & Dad had a huge fight because of that. Mom thinks’ that it’s very unfair and that Dad was spoiling me.

Yeah, most of my aunt's think that Dad was a "spoiler". They kept on telling him to be at least firm on us because one day he's going to regret it. I guess they we're right now that it happened to me. But I would never accept the fact that they would blame my Dad because of what has happened to me. It was very unfair for him. I got pregnant out of wedlock not because I was a rebel nor I was the typical teenage "spoiled brat". I can never justify what I did, I was wrong, I can never deny that nor will ever deny it. My Dad has given me everything that he could - love, time, financial & moral support. I would never say that I lack any of those. All I know is that I fell inlove - I acted out of my irrational decisions. I behaved badly I know.

My Dad cried in front of me when he learned about my pregnancy. I almost asked God to make me disappear that moment. It was the first time I've seen him cry and I can't bear it. He was tough, he joined the military force at the age of 18 and fought many rebels in war. But nothing ever slowed him down nor made him cry not even the death of my Grandpa and my Uncle. Never in my wildest dream had I thought I would see him cry - but he did and it was all because of ME.

Aside from everything that has happened - he still accepted me with open arms. During my pregnancy he would wake me up early in the morning and would bring me to the beach for a walk. He would usually call my Mom every time he's at work just to ask if I there’s anything I'd like to eat. The more he does that the more I felt guilty. Sometimes I would lie in bed and wished that he would just learn to hate me so I won't be carrying this burden anymore. But I've realized he can never do that - I'm his daughter.

Because of that I promised myself that I would do everything to make him proud of me again. I got married which he strongly opposed at first but I stood firm and told him that it’s what I want and I'm going to stand up for it.

To make the story short, I got married, I have two kids now and currently I'm working as a customer service representative. Me and my husband are still together (thank God for that..). I promised my Dad that I would keep this marriage no matter what happens. At first he was not really impressed with my decision knowing how young I was then and my husband but we managed to keep the marriage together. We had our ups & downs, we had our own petty fights but I guess we would manage till our hair turns gray.

I know that this is very different from what me & my Dad have dreamed of before. He saw me as a lawyer and was really excited knowing that I would be a lawyer someday. He would even joked about it, he said that when the time comes that I'll pass the board exams he would put a streamer on overy street of the town and the streamer would say something like, "congratulations to MYSELF". Sadly, I was not able to fulfill that dream. I was not even able to finish my degree but hopefully I'll be able to enroll myself next year. Who knows? I'm only 23 - I know that life has lots of things to offer. But for now I think I'll settle with this first. This may not be as grand as what I first dreamed of with my Dad but I can say that I'm happy with these two li'l boys around me I can surely say I'm gonna reach that dream.

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